6 days till departure

So in 6 days I leave for Manchester. I have started packing. I didn't know I owned so many clothes but I just cannot bare to not have all of my ponchos and hats and scarves and mittens and thats practically a case by itself.

I have a very very very nicely busy week planned. My Mum says I should stay in and try and relax incase I wear myself out before Freshers week has even started... but meh... nah.

I also have a driving test tommorrow morning at 10:24. Oh dear. I sincerely doubt I will pass because I have not had the money or the time to practice in the instructors car at all. I cannot park. I can reverse round a corner and 3 point turn but I CANNOT PARK.

Anyway. I guess if I take it slowly and try not to panic it might be ok.

Am currently shifting all the music from this computer onto my newfangled computer upstairs. Most have laptops.. I don't. I like the sturdy niceness of having a big computer, nevermind what anyone else thinks :P

(besides it has a shiny green light)

Am feeling a million times more secure in me and J. So incredibly weird that if I rewound literally about 5 or 6 years this is exactly what I would have wanted.. as a 13 year old.. perhaps some stuff never dies. but as someone as easily bored as I can get I am constantly suprised by the fact that I am NEVER bored and I NEVER want to go home when I wake up at his house. We watched the hollyoaks omnibus this morning just lazing around in his bed till 2 and it was perfection.

Well its not perfection, thats the good part. Its far from it. If I hit him he hits me back and we still play the whole 'I really enjoy the annoying the hell out of you game' involving many acvtivities from saying the other persons name quietly and then saying 'nothing' when they say 'what?'. But I would far from have it any other way at all. The face he pulls when I get myself all worked up. Sigh. Oh and I had a huge fluffball tangle on the top of my head and he had to pull it out and I'm rambling now, but for once the little things actually count for me.

Alex was the closest I've had to something like this but it just wasn't of the same magnitude, or it was too big. I don't know which. But yeah.. guess thats the sad part about leaving. Despite me constantly trying to get him to attend uni with me living under my bed.. seems it won't happen. He'll be visiting though, you can count on that.

Currently Listening The Forgotten Arm By Aimee Mann see related

I suppose its blatant to all that if a breaking up were to occur it would never be me who did it :p

sigh. driving is getting bad. have obsessive nervous thing about road position and am constantly thinking i'll hit the curb. means i want to just drive along with my eyes closed. obviously not a good idea.

i can't get another test till christmas. i just want to stupid pass and i'm sick of it. I don't want to have to drive anymore and if I pass noone will make me. I was fine before failing.

Decisions decisions decisions

So at times of large decision making shaped shenanigans.. where do I turn? To the internet. Of course.

So I'm pretty damn into things with J now. Really into it. I'd like to hope he is too. He is at Leeds festival now for 4 days and I miss him like hell and I saw him yesterday. Its pathetic and hurts and I hate it and just wish I could sleep through till then.

Anyway, I go to Manchester in 3 weeks. He might be going to Oxford if his remark comes back, but its looking very unlikely in thus case he would be here for a gap year.

The long distance shindig really didn't work for me last time. I didn't care about him as much as I do J.

It would hurt like HELL to break up and tbh. I don't know if I could do it. But it will hurt this much every single day to stay together and I don't know how often we will see each other. I can't afford to come home and it will cost him a bomb to come down. And this is set forever. Its not like we will ever be in the same place.

But I have truly never felt this way about someone else. It just feels like finally everythigns clicked and he annoys me and some days I want to punch him but hes the only person that stops me from thinking. When I'm at home I keep myself busy all the time and I hate that bit of space before you go to sleep when you have to lie and think. But when I'm with him, even when were going to sleep or when hes sitting on his computer and I'm going to sleep just because hes in the same room its all easier.

I want to go to Manchester but I miss him already even through the concept. I really seriously cannot express how much it hurts. So different to everything with Alex. Its always been J and hes always been weaved in and out of other people, and they just feel like petty stuff compared to stuff with him.

Truly don't feel like I've ever had proper feelings for anyone but him.

In a way this makes staying together seem even worse.

Help.

aaaaah! nerves!